Happy Winter Solstice

Welcoming the dark, which has given me plenty of sleep in the last few weeks. This night is the longest of the year, and embraces all my dreams, all the emotions that create them, that give me the messages that I need to hear from my inner and sweeter, most fragile self.

Dreams have awakened me several times, with an anxious sense of loss of those I love (though they are still alive.)  I want to hold them tight, cling to them. But when I speak with them on the phone over the miles, we're casual and talk of mundane things.  My fears belong just to me.  I know the mortality of our existence, and don't want to burden them with it.  In all likelihood I will leave this earth many years before them.  What can I leave behind for these loved ones?

That seems to be what this daylight-thinking rational-being considers.  The nighttime one is triggered by that fear of loss...that never again will we converse or hug or tell each other how really worthy the other is.  And I'm talking not of a lover, nor spouse, but of sons. These men that have their own lives and loves, their own children...who carry my genes and know my hopes and fears that I imprinted upon them with my gift of their lives.

So I will always feel that connection to them, though they must be men, they must be strong, poor dears.  But I see their sensitive sides often. They tenderly care for the smaller ones in their lives. They shrug off what is more burden than they can carry.

For me, I long to embrace them. I long to no longer have the knowledge of our immanent mortal separation. After I die, one or another of them will come to empty my apartment of so much paraphernalia that is of no value to them.

WINTER SOLSTICE PRAYER by Mary Saracino

Deep night, Dark night

Night of the longest sigh

Soulful night, Sacred night

Night of the longest dreams

Cold night, Holy night

Night of unfurling desires

Womb of the world, Birther of hope

Bringer of peace and good will

Pray, pray for all good things

That suffering for all will end

That life will thrive and generosity reign

In the hearts of all humankind

That joy will rise and children will fly

On wings of prosperity

Oh hear our plea, this silent night

When the moon is round in the sky

When hopes are high and eyes are wide

with delight and audacity

May Love prevail tonight, and always

Leading us back to our Source

May we dance with the dark, without hesitation or fear

And savor her promise of plenty

Deep night

Dark night

Night of the longest sigh

May our weary hearts stay vigilant and receptive

To all that is loving and dear.

Happy longest night of 2019 - and may you enjoy your dreams...and what they give you as messages to you only.

Just some ramblings of mine

I woke up late this morning...well, I decided to let myself go back to sleep because I could. Retirement lets me do this a couple of times a week.

And that's when I dream.  Today it was delightfully involved, but fleeting in memory.

Then I read a few poems, here on blogs, or as newsletter in my email. And in between the lines, I kid you not, were fragments of my dream.

It was as if the memories were triggered not by the meanings of the words I was reading, but by the space in my head that enjoys poetry. It's probably that creative place, where dreams, sculpting, and poetry all merge.  I am serious. This experience was delightful, so I read more poems.

And the dream was how I had a neighbor who had hired a catering crew in a food truck, to do a wedding reception I think. The neighbor lived in a house next door (not next to my apartment now) and the food truck people (4-5 of them) needed a place to sleep until the next day when they would be cooking.  I met them, and showed them a menu that I'd picked up in Gainesville FL, where they were from, and even had that experience of meeting one and hearing her name, then forgetting it and asking what it was again.  The rest of the dream had to do with finding beds and bedrooms for them all, and apparently I was magical in creating spaces for everyone.

And then in Browning's Sonnet #43, between those familiar lines, and a couple of other poems, which had beautiful wording...slipped the dream back into consciousness. How do I Love Thee, Let Me Count the Ways.

Speaking of consciousness, I'm reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, and enjoying his concepts of adaptive un-consciousness, and talking with all my friends about some of the experiments that psychologists and others did, which were included in the book.  They know I'm creative and interested in exploring all those things about the mind.

When pottery students sit around a table working on their designs, we pondered the difference between mind and brain!

The geese coming at me...imagine doing chair yoga on the second floor of the Lakeview Center, looking out at Lake Tomahawk.  Then against the backdrop of mountains in the distance, suddenly about 20 Canada Geese are coming right at me, as they change from v-formation and plan to land.  They don't all come straight down, rather turn in one direction or another to flap wings and slow themselves before they gently splash down. I stared at this phenomena rather than tilting my head as I breathed deeply. In the space of half a breath I had a transforming experience...looking into the eyes, wings and huge bodies of these creature of air, land and water. I won't forget it.

Dreaming away

Rolling out of bed this morning...took my time and did some yoga-like stretches, making those old muscles know I still love 'em and want them to keep on moving the old body around another day.  I'm always grateful (these days, I wonder when this started happening) to wake up to another day.  I think I started feeling this way when I was still employed, working with seniors.  That was for the last few years of my career.

Oh, then there's the dream review that happens first thing.  One day last week it was of having 11 kittens to feed and love on.  

Today it was of visiting my middle son,  Russ, who took me for a ride with one of my other son's sons in a mythical van which I used to own back in the 70s.  Anyway, it was different this time...but as we drove through a neighborhood in a subdivision, Russ (the driver) hopped out of the van as it was slowly going.  I was sitting in the back back of the van, and wanted to jump over the seats and reach forward to the steering wheel...but realized the shape I was in precluded it.  No panic, as the van seemed to slowly go around a corner without any troubles.  I am sure I asked my grandson to do something (in a panicky voice.)  

Well, that was a dream I was glad to wake from.  I remember the van was going slower (thank heavens) and had gone several blocks, when Russ jumped back in, having done something like delivering a coke (it's a dream, what do you expect?) as if a paper boy delivery.  I'm pretty sure I said something like, "what if a child had run out into the street."

So maybe it's a forecast of driverless cars.  And it's definitely a connection to my visit that I'm planning to see Russ and his family for the holidays.  I was glad to have a presence of my grandson, though it was just incidental to the action.

Incidentally, I'm still waking up at the same time, though the clocks have now been set back an hour  by a complete week.  It's going to sleep in the evening that is strange for me.

Truth and harmony

We are indeed fabulous creatures/beings.  

Somehow we thought of Truth.

And not just recently but waaaay back when.

Yesterday I also appreciated that we thought up harmony and music.  It does give life more meaning to have these great thoughts.

And one more.
We dream while we sleep, of fabulous adventures that we could never imagine while awake.  As well as thoughts that come unbidden like my first thought of today, the joy that human beings have the concept of Truth.

I am sure my atheist friends will say humans came up with these ideas as we evolved.  For me I must think that there's some guiding principal, a force if you will, which has helped us know about these wonderful things.

So my thanks to the great creator of ideas!