So angry

 

A heavy box was delivered.

Inside was another box which opened to show a nicely packed journal, vial of pills, various instructions and warnings.

 

It even included a lame little plastic pill counter to hang around the bottle…it fell apart when I tried to remove it from its packing housing.

So the new drug I'm about to try comes like this.

Why does it make me angry? Haven’t even started taking it yet.

I'm pissed at this expensive marketing presentation! The cost is exorbitant!  And thus the pharmaceutical industry has spent all this money to encourage me while taking the drug.

Remember the “methinks he doth protest too much” phrase?

Why?

There are phone calls every other day from representatives and pharmacists to give support and answer questions. I let them go to voice mail.

I haven’t started the drug because I’m currently on antibiotics. 

Will I?

Probably, since I'm paying for it.

And on top of all the junk they pushed into my home (it won’t fit in the recycle bins) I'm almost crying to have been sent a journal.

I can no longer write comfortably thanks to my essential tremors.

They didn’t know it, but when my Dr called to make sure I got the antibiotics I let him know that this disability looms large in my life these days.

Yet another invisible condition!

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People rarely win wars; governments rarely lose them. -

Arundhati Roy, author (b. 24 Nov 1961)

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More to be angry about!

"The UN Charter prohibits the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of any state in Article 2(4), which reads, “All Members shall refrain in their international relations from the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of any state, or in any other manner inconsistent with the Purposes of the United Nations.” Launching attacks, like the U.S. strike on Iran, is generally illegal. There are exceptions for self-defense against an armed attack (Article 51) or an attack authorized by the Security Council, but neither of those is in play here.

Treaties ratified by the U.S. Senate, like the UN Charter, have the status of federal laws under Article VI, Section 3 of the Constitution, which reads, “This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land.” (emphasis added). Upholding them is part of a president’s duties and the oath of office he takes under the “take care” clause of the Constitution.

Of course, we all know that under the Constitution, Congress, not the president, has the power to declare war. We also know that for the past few decades, the executive branch has been assuming more of that power, adopting a “beg for forgiveness,” rather than an “ask for permission” stance. But no one has been as brazen about it as Donald Trump, who has bombed 7 different countries in just over a year in office and is at in a second time in Iran, after claiming, in June 2025, that he had “obliterated” their nuclear program. It’s not a good thing when the man with the nuclear codes is punch-drunk on the amount of power at his disposal, and it behooves us all to keep a close watch."

SOURCE: Civil Discourse by Joyce Vance

“The use of force by the United States and Israel against Iran, and the subsequent retaliation by Iran across the region, undermine international peace and security.”

UN Secretary-General António Guterres condemns military escalation in the Middle East.

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The ego is simply a way for us to understand and attend to ourselves, at the same time as we understand and attend to the world around us.

 

Honoring these hands

Honoring my hands today.

 I have moved into reading, composing and posting here on blog these days. This is from a relatively focused life making things with my hands over many years. In the last 12 years before my final retirement I would wake up at night thinking about creations in clay, and how to sell them. The latter was not half as much fun, nor as therapeutic as the former.

Now I comment on blogs of my friends with whom I catch up frequently, and am among the few bloggers who reply to comments. It has to do with time available, and maybe lack of other interests to pursue. 

I'm basically an echo of my former self. My word-finding ability to express myself usually happens eventually, or I can find a work-around. But my hands will continue to shake more and keep me from doing much but typing on keyboards…avoiding all hand activities which most creativity depends upon.  Even mouse-movements sometimes are difficult. This is the life with Essential Tremor.

I think this leads me to take some photos of my hands and do some grief work - which I may or may not share here. But it has been interesting to go back through a few folders to capture what these hands were doing. The photos miss the actual creativity of my clay work, painting watercolors, and fiber work, like knitting or quilting. But here's what I've found. (Just in the last year.)

Now...as I started this process. Just the right hand for now.

My right pinky finger has begun to bend in a new way from middle knuckle in the last year, and I often have painful joints. I was recently examined at Asheville Arthritis and they say it's osteoarthritis, which still means only pain relief to consider, but nothing will stop it from continuing.

Dec. 2025, these hands show their bones and veins!

Just one glove for this iPhone photographer at the Christmas tree store in November 2025. I can usually capture a photo but have a lot of trouble writing texts on the phone. Thank heaven for audio dictation even with all it's glitches.

In Aug '25 I pushed myself to go see these waterfalls with friends, with my handy walking stick. (Next month I was in the hospital for second time in 6 months with pneumonia!) Having Bronchiectasis means my lungs work harder and cause almost constant coughing to clear the mucous.

July 2025, many Sunday mornings I met friends for coffee and pastries at Four Sisters Bakery, where eating outside was enjoyable. So far I can hold a cup without too much shaking, and most bites of food arrive in my mouth on my fork. Finger control seems to be the worst of my Essential Tremor so far, which is slowly deteriorating, though they work better in mornings than evenings. Drugs do not help though they did for a while! Now I have to balance breathing needs with the shaky fingers in considering drug help.

April 2025 saw me in Colorado and Utah with son and his wife...and borrowed a walking stick for short hikes. Mainly out of breath from the altitude and recovering from first hospitalization for pneumonia in March. (But I  had skipped quite a few years since last time, so I guess that's a good thing.)

A very small silly goal was to make a snowball on the way to Telluride...where snow was still piled next to overlooks.

And this was the take home antibiotic which I carried with me to Colorado, recuperating and yet having a wonderful time. 

So I'll stop with my hands of 2025. Maybe share some more sometime down the road.

How do I feel about the loss of hand-usefulness? I'm sure not happy about it. As an artist all my life, I've had a screeching halt to my creative loves. But I can still see what I like, and for now taking photos can convey sharing beauty with others.

I finally started telling staff at a doctor's office that I have a disability in that I cannot fill out forms (which they want me so much to do!) I'm going to start asking for that to be flagged on my charts.

 I have a daughter-in-law who also has hand difficulties as a result of an accident when she was in her teens. She has proved she can do just about everything as a loving wife and mother of three beautiful daughters. So her drive and positive attitude are an inspiration for me.

Coping. That's the term I think I've embraced as a senior. Coping with life's many changes. Reduced expectations definitely. But finding small things that are satisfying, and sharing gratitude.

I'm perhaps a bit foolish in some of my decisions, but am not going to skip the wonderful times I can have because of my weaker systems. It's strange to find oneself at 83 with some things that still work fine, and others that have decided to just go kerplunk! 

I'm very very grateful for the muscles in my legs which now allow me to climb a flight of stairs, without having to pull myself up with the railing. That's a big accomplishment at this time, and I owe it mainly to staying with my son over Thanksgiving where I had a bed and bathroom on the second floor of their home.  Plus I try to climb a flight of stairs every other day. I still get out of breath, but the handrail now is just in case I should trip.

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I did a quick search and found that exactly two years ago I had an Occupational Therapy evaluation of my hands, so here's that post, though really not that interesting.

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It’s all about balance

 So I have yet another diagnosis to add to the list on my patient portal. That's the bad news. My legs and feet have "neuropathy." They have lowered feeling from mid-calf down. I'm sure a few of my readers experience the same thing.

I've been having trouble walking up and even down stairs. And when standing from a sitting position, I felt like my legs were wood, and waited a minute to start lurching forward. Which was good for my blood pressure also! I didn't feel like I couldn't walk, just had my legs spread in my gait to make sure I was steady.

The good news is that some of my balance issues can be helped (a bit, I hope) with physical therapy. I will be evaluated this next week, and hopefully start working on being more capable, better balance, and gait. I've worked with this therapist before and liked him.

The neurology report on my memory difficulties was to be expected...somewhere in the mild range. I did have trouble giving answers on the verbal test at times. At least I was oriented to time and place. The doctor didn't seem to appreciate my jokes though. I respect him for that. But he said it was a normal range - however when the comments were typed up, he said mild memory impairment. I take that as validation of what I thought was happening. 

The golf course in Black Mountain with North Fork Rd.

And third, and perhaps most important, my essential tremor in my fingers is perhaps going to respond to higher doses of the medication I took before. However it has side effects for my breathing. And/or my breathing meds have side effects for my fingers. It's a delicate balance.

I've got to breathe. I don't gotta type blogs every day. But it would be nice to be able to type, feed and dress myself.

I decided to go ahead and talk about me here, because last night (writing on Tues) I took the Primidone (which is also for seizures) and slept through the night, not even getting up to use the bathroom. I think I felt drugged when I woke up, even though I also felt I'd slept well. It's interesting to note that it's a barbiturate, a central nervous system depressant.

Primidone is something I started at half this dose, and took for a couple of years, before getting to this level. I stopped it four months ago because the doctor in the hospital told me of how it affected the memory of his father. He didn't tell me I should stop it, just gave me that information. (I told the neurologist this, but he never commented on it.)

I personally didn't notice any help with memory having 4 months off that drug, while my fingers got more and more shaky. (I have to use my left hand to steady my right one enough to write anything legible.)

The Albuterol inhaler is called a rescue inhaler. Nobody ever said "this is when you need it." They just said, you'll know. So I found by trial and error that it did help if I was going to do anything like climb a flight of stairs or walk around the lake...by using it beforehand. It doesn't seem to do much if I'm coughing a lot, which can be caused by stress, inhaling chemicals or dust, or exhaustion.

I've also got the same drug in my nebulizer, which I use to clear out my lungs with a saline inhalation twice a day. Then I am supposed to use an Albuterol solution also. I've never noticed it made any difference. 

And now the neurologist told me that Albuterol could diminish the effectiveness of the Primidone.

OK, I've done a bit of research on line, and the drug interaction between Primidone and Albuterol doesn't show up on my first attempt to see more research. However, a neurologist did tell me that, and wrote it in his clinical notes about me.

So now I'm trying to balance between my fingers tremor and breathing.

Did I mention the side effect of being lightheaded all day? So I didn't take the Primidone the next night.

All art today came from the internet!