Last night, not having stayed awake till midnight, I had some emotions churning away that prodded me awake around 2:30 am. (It could have been the delicious but high fat dinner as well.)
Anyway, I couldn't sleep, and decided to write (journal, not publishable) what was going on. And eventually I saw what years of therapy would show me. Would I remember it this time? I hope so.
(And the heading of DON"T POST THIS didn't work, so it was actually out there, my totally bare psyche for about 20 minutes this morning. I will not try journalling in that way EVER again.)
After my journaling, I checked my emails, and there was "bad news."
That subject line, especially from the husband of an old friend, made me take a deep breath before opening the email.
She was failing and not expected to live through the night.
|Jinni on the left while a teen in 1957|
So I answered Jim's email, saying that if he got a chance to talk with her in her coma, I'd appreciate his giving her my personal message. I knew he was having a tough time.
I posted my sadness on FaceBook, but since I'd just posted my wishes for a Happy 2014 including a picture, the sad message disappeared from NewsFeed almost immediately. It doesn't matter. I will talk with my good friends soon and experience my grief in person.
Then I lay down in bed...suddenly unable to get warm. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't cry. So I thought of communicating through the other ether, the web of the spiritual connection that we all know of, but seldom try using. I started singing the chant that Jinni and others had sung back in the days when we gathered in circles as women, as pagans.
I sang and sang and sang...the cats immediately came to my side and gave their homage to this goddess woman. Hours later, and a few tears as well, I turned off the light.
When I woke during the night, it was again tossing and turning, not being able to accept and let go of my friend. I imagined a version of Pagan heaven, with great images of all the young people having a good time (and I won't give you details, because if you're Pagan you already know them, and if you're not, you have your own images to put there in front of you.) Everyone had gone back to the prime of their lives, rather than the old or infirm physical states that they left their bodies in.
I thought at one point of how I've been emailing Jinni for the last 13 years, as well as another friend who I knew from the same time in school (high school and early college years). I thought I could consolidate all her emails and send them to her husband. Then I remembered that her emotions sometimes weren't that positive towards him...and I wanted to respect that. But there are plenty of other emails that I could gather together. What a job that would be.
The things that I remember from those emails were her great stories about her life...and her father who died in WW II. Jinni could spin a yarn in an excellent way, touching the fiber of your being. She also had an alter ego of Motorcycle Mama that let loose her wild side.
She spoke of having belonged to circles of like-minded ritual followers. She spoke of friends she had lost. And she shared a CD of goddess chants with me. I'll be digging that out and playing it today when I cast a Tarot spread in her honor, and meditate as I let go, as I see her true being, and send love to her family.