Sunday, April 30, 2023

Memories and experiencing joy

  

Today's quote:

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.

 -Salvador Dali, painter (1904-1989)

I thought briefly about this quote, then felt a deep ah-ha moment. I have definitely stored up a bunch of brilliantly technicolor memories, and only left a few of the dark ones, in sepia tones, to lurk in my brain.

There are certainly times I've done someone wrong - and hopefully I've made whatever restitution I could by now. But there are still those memories! 

And then there are the dark times more recently in my own experience...feeling like a very depressed individual, wanting to sleep many more than 8 hours a night/day...having no appetite, fighting a recurring fever than went away in a day. Yep, I know that happened to me off and on for months. 

And I know the antidepressant meds didn't really solve the problem. But coming off them (over 2 weeks time) I actually felt better. It's like they had grabbed something inside my brain/emotional center...and took it out. I still wanted to sleep at least 10 hours a night...but didn't on the days I had something in the morning scheduled.

Me attending a concert when I was about to be dianosed with pneumonia.


And then I got full blown pneumonia...the fever coinciding with lungs on second Xray having some things that hadn't appeared back one the one in December. And 5 days of heavy duty antibiotics gave me clear breathing and no fever. I was back able to function normally in a couple of weeks time. I had an amazing lack of my usual daily coughing as well.

I still was aware of not feeling any joy. I wasn't feeling particularly anything.

Then suddenly the other day, I said to myself, what if there's just a joy button, or a specially sized opening in my being/brain which lets in the feeling of joy? Maybe I don't have to come up with it from inside myself, which seemed to be the message from other people. Maybe I can just sit here, my normal vegetative state, and wait for it to come hitting that spot in my brain.

I like that. And I think I've felt a bit of joy since that concept. I sure can get sillier now. Relax better. And you've noticed all my photos of blossoms this spring. Now I feel the joy of their colors against the bright blue of skies.

I find great joy in having fresh air coming in my windows, right off the many leaves of the maples outside. That's a nice hit of oxygen I think! 

And being with productive people who are doing amazing things. It's so nice to know them, observe them, and maybe support them as best I am able. From authors to craftspeople...so much creativity!

Then my dear orchids finally started dropping their blooms. They have lasted a really long time this year. The cycles of life!


And of course I'm getting my cataracts removed, so now I have another joy...seeing the true colors of things! The second eye is healing nicely.

Yes, I'm very grateful too, for this newfound sense of joy. I do intend to keep that little spot that welcomes it wide open to new things.


13 comments:

  1. Hello,
    I hope if I have ever done someone wrong they would tell me, I have no problem saying I'm sorry. Life is full of ups and downs, happy times and sad times. I take each day as it comes and try to stay positive. Take care, have a great day and a happy new week.

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    1. Thanks, as always, for your upbeat comment! Yes, you've got the right attitude!

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  2. I am going through a depression right now, but it was expected. Doing what I can to push back against that, but no idea when it will lift.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I just tended to talk about my experiences. And then another comment that I've now removed about my friend's Major Depression experiences. But I just want to respect your own path on this journey through life.

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  3. Barbara, It is critical to try to do or find something that makes one happy or joyful. Creativity is one way for sure. Your blog posts are very creative and goal orientated too. As we age, it's easy to get down on life or go numb, but we have to find something or things that make us happy and wanting to continue down life's road with our eyes and hearts open. Blew out my right knee last night so I could be down but I chose to look for ways to continue to do or approximate the activities that I've been enjoying. Take Care, Big Daddy Dave

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    1. Yikes, a blown out knee sounds pretty painful. I'm glad you are looking for alternative ways to continue with what you most enjoy. I expect you'll take it a bit easy on any hikes with your camera for a while! But you can certainly go to a restaurant and tell us all about the wonderful repast!!

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  4. Sounds like you've had a tough few months. I think some brighter weather always helps me. And counting my blessings, as you say.

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    1. As many of us know, getting old ain't for the sissies! This is a beautiful time of year!

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  5. You've had a tough time and seem to be turning the corner.

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    1. Thanks, I'm certainly grateful for the new me!

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There is today, more than ever, the need for a compassionate regenerative world civilization.